joy. pure. simple.

 NEW ADDRESS. 

http://jeschinus.livejournal.com

 during eucharist today, i could exp our Father's immense love.
i'm not sure why though.. what struck me was somewhere in the 1st reading or responsorial that said those that dont bear any will be burned root and stalk or something like that. then the gospel was bout bearing fruits...

i dont know what the msg is yet.. still thinking bout it...
yest meditation passage was the fig tree..how Jesus cursed it cause it wasnt time for it to fruit/bloom. 

i'm confused though. why did He curse it? why the line that said burn root and stalk? 
what if someone just haven't found Him?... would we be given up on too?
hmmm.

it's been really difficult to remain in contact with God recently.
now and then i remember it during the day and i feel terrible that i'm neglecting Him.
then i'll say tonight i'll be with You, i'll do my meditation.. and i wont cause i'll be too tired. (either i forget, or i say sorry Lord, tmr i'll do)
it's not so much that i'm upset cause i dont feel good or high or whatever. but it sucks cause i really want this rship with Him, i really love being with Him.. but yet, i cant be strong enough both physically and spiritually.. 

yesterday, while praying/talking about it, i learnt that i may be on a plateau. and that's why i find myself getting disconnected from my Father.  my Rship with the Fr has become stagnant and a routine.. thats why i'm stuck here. so now i'm trying to push myself to make time for meditation the first or 2nd thing in the day before my other activities. that's waking up earlier, and i'm using my dad as a role model as he wakes up earlier for his meditations. and he HATES waking up early.

on another note, as i teaching cat class that day, something dawned upon me about the Holy Spirit. i researched on the symbols of fire and water.. and i had the notes, prepared the input. etc. but when i was delivering it, as i was talking to the kids, it hit me hard that the symbol of fire is really so deep. fire transforms everything it touches. nothing that goes through fire comes out unchanged.. burnt, melt, hot. whatever. its always changed. and that's the holy Spirit. everything He touches changes. Everyone He touches is changed. but does that change last? is that change permanent? that's if we are walking in and with Him. if we're always in touch with Him, the mighty fire. we will be constantly changing!! (a good change of course.)

the knowledge of that is currently pushing me to want to be in constant contact with the HS. hopefully this piece of knowledge can push you to want to know Him too. (:

 i finally got my meditation back on track..
"servant".. the words that came to mind the first round were all negative. yknow lowly, low class, small, unworthy etc.
then the next round, the first word was 'maid'. and the other words revolved around my maid...

what struck me was how yeah people may think that being a maid is lowly or such, but they do much better work than we ever did!.. theyre so far away from home, apart from their family.. (my maids engaged some more!) they're slogging their guts out, working 24/7. and here we are complaining when we work 9-5 mondays to fridays only. they get scolded many times, sometimes of no fault of theirs but they cant say anything.. for them sometimes its just best to absorb and bottle up everything cause they need the job/money. worse still, sometimes they're unappreciated and abused! my mum brings my maid to the zoo and such at times to let her know that she's appreciated. but i guess sometimes a small 'Thank You' will work wonders..

so yeah. i read in that same passage of matthew 10:43-45.. Jesus came to serve, not to be served. and since it is our goal to be just like Him.. i shouldnt worry about feeling unappreciated.. worry despite doing as much as i can, it may still be not enough... and that hey! i should just be like my maid (not bottling it all up of course..) but persevere and continue building God's Kingdom as well as i can and know how. many times i'm glad when people tell me good job! but then.. why am i glad? is it cause i'm happy and proud of myself? yeah i guess there can be a little of that. but what should be even more evident is the greatest of my Father that allowed me and guided me to do that job.

so Thank You Father.. for every single person here trying and putting everything they have into building Your Kingdom. i pray that they will feel Your presence continuously and find joy in working for You.

yknow, i've always been closest to the Father i think, and the Holy Spirit.. Jesus being the least closest to.. but during the adoration and benediction, i realized that maybe i got a devotion or connection with Him in the Blessed Sacrament. i remember turning around suddenly and falling to my knees as i saw the monstrance. it was a weird immediate reaction way before others realized or the animator said 'please kneel'. i could feel Christ in me moving. healing. saying its okay.. that its okay that i strayed from Him and neglected our rship cause now i'm back with Him. it was so overwhelming. i felt a huge sense of sorrow and joy all at once. cry cry cry. duh. and as fr kenny brought the monstrance to each section for benediction, i nearly fell over in giddy joy and love. why i kept crying i dont know. but i never took my eyes off Him, and Jesus just kept saying i love you. that. was a really overwhelming experience that pulled me right out of my dryness spell..

there really is no hopeless situations. just people who lose hope.
thats what struck francesca the most that night, and i agree. there isnt. its whether we use the opportunities and hold on to hope in our loving God.

 so the past week has been bad.
everything is bad when i'm not connected with my Father.. have been pushing off my meditation cause i'm 'busy' and 'tired'. sure i feel sorry for single-handedly pushing Him away from me.. but laziness has a pretty stronghold unfortunately. so i started again yesterday, specifically putting aside time to be with God. 

this dry spell is really bad. because of it i couldnt concentrate during Eucharist. my mind wanders plenty of times though i feel His presence with me... because of this separation from His msges and His being.. i fell into sin constantly, and kept forgetting Him. ugh. even when i tried to meditate, i couldnt come up with anything, no words struck me and i kept speed reading through the text...bleah.
I shall try to start
praising Him constantly every moment again, it feels terrible being away from Him..

what struck me yest was 'good' it was the story of the rich man asking how to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.. what came to me was how we can never be 'good' as God is 'good'. in other words we are not perfect and can never be while on earth...  but it is the trying to be good that brings us closer to the Father. 

during the liss that day, bro emmanuel said something like during these dry spells, we know that God loves us more cause He's putting us to the test. i was pretty confused with that and wasnt quite sure if i agreed to it.. if God loves us so much, why would He put us to the test? that's just not nice. then during meditation of 'good'... i realized, its not that God's putting us to the test. but its when we're hit with a dry spell and feel the farthest away from His presence and really torn by it, God loves us tremendously. cause we WANT to be with Him. and with this in mind, it will be much easier to climb out of that and be back in touch with Him. i really hope that i'll be able to come out of this dry spell soon, i really miss being able to be with Him in comfort..

who am i? that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name...

 yest the word that struck me was 'salted'..
mk 9:49

what i realized was that, yeah i'm flavoured by the HS, given gifts by Him to spread the Father's msg.. but as i aim to remain salty for others, i'll def get thirsty right? (think salted peanuts..) as i use the HS' strength and gifts, it can lead to dryness if i dont quench frequently. and who the better to quench with than the drink of life - Jesus Christ?

i think at that point, i came to a sudden realization how different exactly they were, and how we can work with them separately but yet all at once. i've concentrated mightily on my rship with the Father, and i think i've somewhat neglected JC.. and so i shall start balancing the 3 relationships and not neglect one over the other. its like friendship ey? (:



i'm currently looking forward to 3 things..
1. North District Youth Rally... after the briefing yest, i'm starting to feel like this is a very good opportunity to spread His word of HOPE to others.. starting of course, with those in our con 4. 

2. Holy Land. Roomie and I are starting to feel the solid prep, the prayers, and the excitement as to the discovery of Him!!

3. AYD.. a HUGE opportunity to learn from my fellow disciples in Christ, and another chance to spread His love to those i get to meet also!

its gonna be a busy busy few months to come, and i cant wait!!

when stace asked if i could cover for her cat class in ij this morning, i didnt hesitate to say yes. of course i wasnt happy to miss my monday morning routine, but i knew this was an opportunity God was giving me to spread His msg of love. funnily, the topic was God in our Relationships. which i thought was very apt cause i have so much to share. i didnt have time to prepare cause ive been busy with our Holy land booklet.. so i decided to use a bit of what stace mailed me, some scripture from her and to share my experiences. 

what i didnt expect was to, instead of introducing Christ to them (which i'm not sure if i did but i tried.), meet Jesus in one of the students. At a tender age of 15, she has already established a rship with God (be it the Father Son or Spirit).. She converses with Him, has a real prayer life, hears Him, & most importantly listens to Him. i'm 22, and i only started a strong rship with my Father at maybe 20? i've missed out of 5 years of love for and from Him. but this kid here. she inspires me. She inspires me to spread Christ to the other youth. to introduce them to the experiences she has had. and she has inspired me to be like her as well. she was a bit hesitant to raise her hand when i asked if any of them hears God. and frankly speaking i was surprised but very pleased to see that tentative hand. at that moment i felt a sense of hope, and joy. i dont know why. i hope that she will be able to bring Christ to the people she meet, and will not be afraid to talk about His love.

during meditation today (much much MUCH easier in the adoration room please.) the word that struck me was 'endure'. 2 other verses spoke to me after that... mk 9:23b "Everything is possible to one who has faith."  and 24b "i do believe, help my unbelief!"
these verses gave me a warm tingly feeling as i read them. and they linked to the word endure. there's nothing i cant overcome as long as i have faith. as long as i believe in the one who Loves me. as long as i believe in the great I AM. 

the msg i got during meditation is that no mater what comes my way, i have to endure. the word that i ended up with that linked to endure was ' Holy Spirit'. so yes, i have to persevere in overcoming obstacles, but not for me. i tend to think more about me. i'm a selfish self centered ass. [ i need to let the adults see that i'm not a kid. i'm capable of things. i need to show my parents that i got plenty of things they can be proud of.  etc..] i need to endure for, thru, and IN the HOLY SPIRIT. i need to endure WITH His help, so that people can see that God is REAL. so that people can see me and say mann, i want to know God too! i want to feel His love! and that's the why, and the how, of enduring.

it never ceases to amaze me how our Father throws at us curve balls to show us His son. who would think that i would be so inspired by a student i was supposed to be inspiring. but i love these surprises. i love the way we never know what He might throw us next. 

 well. after a year of mia.. i decided to use this as a source of sharing my spiritual experiences..

yesterday (okay thursday actually) was the first time in a long while i heard Him telling me something face to face.. but that's the past yes?

i shall live in the present. (:

well today, I prayed over a friend. when i was done praying, i wanted to move on to the person sitting next to her, but something made me stay put. i could feel my hand getting much warmer and the tingling sensation from my legs thru my body to my fingertips. the kinda sensation i get when i go into deep prayer.. so i said "ok lord.. i dont know what else to say so you go ahead.." i felt my mind opening up and i was just leting go. like a sudden rush of release. losing the control that i liked.. then my ands felt like it was enveloped (like gloved) in hot air and started to press down on aunM's head..i'm not sure if that was due to me letting go of control or it was Him pushing it down. she felt uncomfortable, so i'm pretty sure it wasn't Him cause the Spirit wouldnt make you feel uncomfortable right? well.. that's a question i have.. that i will ask my SD soon.. its kinda bugging me.

2nd exp.. during beginning of meeting, i noticed when a friend came in that she was looking rather tired. like.. weary of the world, or feeling moody that sort. but i left it at that.. then when we were in the toilet alone (after the praying over and everything) i had an urge to tell her that God loves her. well more specifically Jesus loves you. but i didnt want to cause its quite a cheesy line i think.. many people go around saying that and i'm not sure if they really know the intensity and depth to what they're saying..so yes. that was when i was peeing. WEIRD. but when i came out (and of course washed my hands) i knew one thing that was true. i loved her. and so i asked her on the way back if she was okay.. and before my courage (or rather the Spirit) left me, i told her "I love you". she didnt hear it properly the first time, and when she asked what i said, the 2nd time, i wasnt scared anymore. i didnt hesitate cause it was plain and simple - the truth. "i love you." i wanted to hold her then. but we were reaching the room.. so i didnt. but she msged me that night.. just now. and told me that she received our Father's love (thru that 3 simple truthful words) and that she really needed it then. and i'm at a loss of words, i cant thank God enough for using me to tell her how much He loves her. and for the very fact that He does so immensely..

3rd spiritual exp today is the msg i received thru meditation..(which i think i'm slowly getting the hang of..)
what struck me was mark 8:34 the word 'deny'.
and 8:38 "whoever is ashamed of me and of my words....(I) will be ashamed of.." i being Jesus.

the msg i received linked to Peter.. He denied and rejected jesus many times. but yet he got up after his bout of guilt and sorrow and led His people to such a wide spread religion. and I. always denying Jesus, not trusting Him, doubting Him.. i'm scared to do as He asks. scared to look like a fool, scared that what i say may not be really from Him.. will i ever be strong enough like peter to help build His kingdom?

well. im bushed and patches is calling me up to sleep.
so may the love of the Lord be with you.

 does that make sense?

haha. what i mean is, friendships cant float with no true honest serious conversations on the rship itself.
and i love it that the few friends i have dont shun away from talking about it. (:

well, i'm feeling much better today although ive been farting nonstop since dinner.

HAHAHAHa. thats funny.
not sure why though... ugh.

studying nutrition noww. SO BORINGGGG. it sucks la.
papers on fri, and i dont think ill be able to remember everything.. its USELESS!
pui. furthermore! i cant even go gym tmr! grrr. helping my aunt at my mums center videoing kids.. but since shes paying me..haha.

all right! gonna cont studying and stoning..

grrrr.
past bedtime. ):